Monthly Archives: September 2011

Ramblings on Harry Potter and Alan Rickman.

So…I decided to read the entire Harry Potter Series. I know it’s geared towards young adults or “tweens”, but I’m going through an early midlife crisis and my sister has been harping on me for years to read them. So I did. And you know what? They are fantastic! Not just great, but fan-fucking-tastic!! You would never know that JK was a first time author from these books. Her writing style is simple yet in two sentences she describes the scene perfectly, I mean like you are right there with the characters.

After reading all seven books in two months I then decided I’d better watch all the movies too, because I am a geek and I don’t get out much and maybe NOW  I can figure out what’s going on. I’d seen some of the movies in the past, but always haphazardly and with those British accents it was kind of hard to keep up. And now I have a HUGE crush on Alan Rickman. Yes, greasy hair and nasty snear aside, the man can deliver a line like no one else. And he chose Lily’s petronus due to his undying and unrequited love! I bawled like a three year old being denied cotton candy at the fair when it was revealed that he was a good guy all along!! Forget that he’s 65-ish, the man makes me swoon.

I LOVE a man in black and a cape!

 

 

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Visual Aids for Teens.

I have four children ranging in ages from almost 18 down to 3. All of them seem to be hearing impaired most days or, more likely, the decibal level of my voice has been excluded from their range. This would explain why, after having told them 100 times to do certain things a certain way, they are unable to perform said tasks effectively. This is why I’ve decided to add visual aids to reinforce my ineffectual verbal requests.

Take, for instance, flushing the toilet. Seems simple right? I mean the handle is right there, they’ve been taught from a very young age it’s function in life and how to work it. I accept the fact that a 3 year old may have trouble remembering to flush every time, but after 17+ years you would think this simple action would have sunk in. So…

VISUAL AID #1

We don't water the lawn so you can flush the toilet. Every. Time. You. Use. It.

The toilet paper roll is NOT out of batteries! In fact there are no batteries. Please replace manually. When. Empty.

VISUAL AIDS #2 & 3

Acceptable.

Not. Acceptable.

Bread costs money. Bread gets stale in the presence of oxygen. Please put the twisty tie back on the bread bag. Every. Time. You. Take. Bread. Out.

VISUAL AID #4

Jeans have belt loops for a reason. If your pair of pants slips, put the belt through the loops and latch securely. Asscrack and underwear is visually only acceptable if you intend to enter the plumbing profession.

VISUAL AIDS #5 & 6

Acceptable.

Unacceptable.

Unacceptable.

Glossophobes Unite!

Who knew they had a term for “fear of speaking in front of people“???? Speeches, seminars, group therapy. Getting up in front of people and giving a speech literally makes my skin crawl, my ears turn redder than my hair, and my spine tighten horribly! I would rather mow the lawn naked than give a powerpoint presentation to a group larger than two people. I used to shoot vodka shots in the bathroom in college prior to any papers I had to present to a classroom full of my peers. It calmed my nerves, but somehow I couldn’t quite wrap my tongue around all my vowels. I was asked to come back to my alma mater after graduating and present a speech on “what it’s like in the real world after graduation” to all the kiddies. Daresay, I will never be invited back to for an encore presentation.

My freakish fear also extends to actually being in large groups of people and having to hold a cohesive conversations to people I’ve literally never set eyes on before. I went to a seminar earlier in the year and knew one or two people. Unfortunately they were the ones that put on the shindig, therefore, their time was stretched thin and they were unable to hold my hand through the whole thing. I don’t just become a wallflower, no, that would be normal. I do however, come up with ludicrous statements that totally contradict my sweet nature, like…

“I hate people.” What I meant to say was “I have a real fear of making a total ass of myself in front of all these normal people” as I stuff my right foot in my mouth.

And…

“I could kick his ass in golf” instead of, “Hmm, I see him more as the basketball or cross country type athlete” as I haven’t golfed in 13 years and wasn’t particularly good at it when I played twice a week. There goes the left foot.

And my all time favorite…

“I really wish I would have thought of the concept of the Bibbity Bobbity Boutique. They must make a killing.” instead of…I’ve got nothing. No witty conversation about the latest trends in the industry or coworker gossip, I’ve got nothing, no game, no suave-ness(is that even a word? It should be!)

Now get me in my element and around the people I see everyday, who I am comfortable with and who accept me as the dork I am, albeit a brilliant dork and I speak bullshit fluently and effortlessly. It could be worse, I could have sidonglobophobia.

Oh No…the Big 4-0!

In a matter of weeks I will be hitting what used to be considered a dreaded milestone…the big 4-0. Will I break into tears? Will I start plucking wild ass hairs from my chin? Will Spanx be the first thing I put on in the morning and the last thing{maybe} that I remove at night? Do I have to double the Oil of Olay consumption to fight off the inevitable wrinkles? Will I go out and buy a cherry red camarro with sweet rims and a killer sound system??? To all of these questions I say…HELL NO!!!!

What I WILL do is first, thank the Head Honcho above for getting me this far in life and learning a thing or two, or ten. I’m much dumber now then I thought I was at 18, but smart enough now to realize it.

I WILL put a Magenta streak in my hair, because I’ve always wanted to and now seems like a good time and because purple would just clash with the redness of my hair.

I WILL not give the evil eye hex to the teenager working the cash register who calls me “Ma’am”, but see it as a sign of my maturity and wisdom not!

I WILL stop worrying what people think of me, because, dammit, that just takes to much effort and I’m kinda lazy.

I WILL stop judging people, because as one of my favorite women in the whole world {yes, you Mother} quotes “Be nicer than you need to, everyone is fighting some kind of battle.”

I WILL finish the novel I have started writing {even if it sucks} just to say I wrote 100,000 words which in itself is amazing due to that laziness trait.

I WILL revel in the fact that I’ve made it forty years and am finally halfway comfortable in my not-so-taut skin.

I WILL learn how to speak in front of large groups of people. Still not there yet without several shots of vodka prior to the big event, but am willing to keep working on that sober.

I WILL probably still make mistakes and second guess myself on many things, but that’s half the fun in life.

I WILL regret NOTHING, because, again, I’m too lazy to fret about the past and no amount of hand wringing will change anything. Deal and move on.

I WILL lie through my teeth about being 40, because dammit, I’ve earned the right to!

Symmetrically Challenged.

I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to notice but one of the girls is bigger than the other. Or is it that the other one is more subjective to temperature changes? Of course why would I notice, I don’t regularly oggle them on a daily basis, except for the whole pregnancy thing when they were GINORMOUS. It’s hard not to stare at a set of double Dora’s when you’re used to rather deflated B’s, and that was stretching it! Like going from those pints of milk you get at a cafeteria. You know the ones that don’t open properly and then you get milk carton stuck between your teeth as you sip? Well, it’s like going from those to a full gallon jug. I had a hard time not strutting those things around, except for that whole bump below them. It kind of limits the swagger a bit. ANYWAY, I haven’t ever noticed the uneveness in size until a few days ago when I put on a rather tight tank to sleep in cause you all know that tanks are sexy, especially when sporting a muffintop above the old sleep pants, right??? Well, I’m brushing my teeth and boom, they caught my eye. I thought at first that the tank was just twisted a bit so I shimmied and readjusted, but they still looked lopsided. WTF? Am I sleeping on one side too much? Do I need to set the alarm for a wake up call every two hours so I can turn over, you know, like turning the spit when your roasting a pig, to kinda even things out? Did I breastfeed on one more than the other? Can that actually happen? No, apparently most if not all women are unevenly proportioned, except for those sista’s that augment a little. Again, WTF? It’s not like we don’t have enough shit to deal with like wrinkles, cellulite and morning puffiness, now we gotta be self conscious about the twins too!?!?!? I wonder if they make wonder bra’s for those of us that are breastfully challenged, in symmetry that is? Hmm, I’ll look into that and get back to you.