Glossophobes Unite!

Who knew they had a term for “fear of speaking in front of people“???? Speeches, seminars, group therapy. Getting up in front of people and giving a speech literally makes my skin crawl, my ears turn redder than my hair, and my spine tighten horribly! I would rather mow the lawn naked than give a powerpoint presentation to a group larger than two people. I used to shoot vodka shots in the bathroom in college prior to any papers I had to present to a classroom full of my peers. It calmed my nerves, but somehow I couldn’t quite wrap my tongue around all my vowels. I was asked to come back to my alma mater after graduating and present a speech on “what it’s like in the real world after graduation” to all the kiddies. Daresay, I will never be invited back to for an encore presentation.

My freakish fear also extends to actually being in large groups of people and having to hold a cohesive conversations to people I’ve literally never set eyes on before. I went to a seminar earlier in the year and knew one or two people. Unfortunately they were the ones that put on the shindig, therefore, their time was stretched thin and they were unable to hold my hand through the whole thing. I don’t just become a wallflower, no, that would be normal. I do however, come up with ludicrous statements that totally contradict my sweet nature, like…

“I hate people.” What I meant to say was “I have a real fear of making a total ass of myself in front of all these normal people” as I stuff my right foot in my mouth.

And…

“I could kick his ass in golf” instead of, “Hmm, I see him more as the basketball or cross country type athlete” as I haven’t golfed in 13 years and wasn’t particularly good at it when I played twice a week. There goes the left foot.

And my all time favorite…

“I really wish I would have thought of the concept of the Bibbity Bobbity Boutique. They must make a killing.” instead of…I’ve got nothing. No witty conversation about the latest trends in the industry or coworker gossip, I’ve got nothing, no game, no suave-ness(is that even a word? It should be!)

Now get me in my element and around the people I see everyday, who I am comfortable with and who accept me as the dork I am, albeit a brilliant dork and I speak bullshit fluently and effortlessly. It could be worse, I could have sidonglobophobia.

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