Monthly Archives: October 2011

Conversations with a 3 Year Old…

While watching yet another Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and reading a trashy celebrity magazine, from the bathroom comes…

Mommy, I need a butt check!”

Me: Is there toilet paper?

Pipsqueak: “Yes.”

Me: Ok.

2 seconds later…

Mommy, I need a butt check!”

Me: Wipe front to back.

2 seconds later…

Mom-meeeee, butt check!”

Defeated, I grab the latex gloves and goggles and head to the bathroom.

While driving to daycare…

If you see a deer you have to stop.

Me: Ok, you look for the deer.

Rounding the next curve…

STOP! There’s a deer!

Me: Phew. Thanks copilot. I wouldn’t want to hit her!”

Is ok, accident’s happen.”

While observing my living room, trashed with mountains of barbie dolls, baby doll parts and doll house furniture..

Me: You need to clean up sweetie!

But I’m busy.” {watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse}

Me: We need to clean up before bedtime.

There’s too much. I need help.

Me: Who plays with all of these toys?

I don’t know. I think it was the alligator.

Me: Really? I didn’t know alligators liked baby dolls.

They do. They like to eat them.”

Me: Well, maybe we should put them back in their spot so the alligator doesn’t eat them.

Welllll, ok. You do it. I busy.”

Giving Pipsqueak a bath…

Unmentionable amounts of snot come shooting out of her nose.

Me: Here’s a tissue, wipe your nose!

But it’s yummy.

Me: No, we don’t eat boogers!

Giggling “But it’s yummy, Mommy!” as she sucks it in before I can get the tissue there. Damn.

Me: I’m going to tell your first boyfriend you used to eat your boogers when you were little.

But who is my boyfriend?”

Me: No, WHEN you have a boyfriend, WHEN you are thirty I am going to tell him you used to eat your boogers.

But who?”

Me: Nevermind, here’s a tissue.

But they’re yummy Mommy. You wanna try it?” as she holds out her hand with boogers. I think I threw up a little in my mouth.

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It’s Inevitable…

1. That after spending an hour getting the kiddos packed and ready for the day, one of them will most likely spew unmentionable amounts of mucous out of their nose all over a) their clothing, b) your clothing, c) the back of the front seat in the car, d)their carseat, etc. NOTE TO SELF: pack extra clothing all around next time.

2. That you will get the majority of the blame in exact relation to where you fall on the shit ladder at work. NOTE TO SELF: step on whoever you have to to get to the top rung.

3. That the day you’ve decided to chug on at work even though you loathe it, the boss decides to adjust his medication and can’t find his way out of a paperbag with a flashlight and a GPS and goes all Sybil on you for some shit he did. NOTE TO SELF: purchase small flask of vodka to add to morning coffee in the exact proportion needed not to give a shit on those days.

4. That a fun family vacation will more than likely result in more stress than if you had stayed at home. NOTE TO SELF: pack small flask of vodka to add liberally to morning coffee in exact proportion needed not to give a shit on those days.

5. That the dog will find a way to get those warm rice crispy treats that were left shoved way back on the kitchen counter and shit marshmellow covered doo doo for the next week. NOTE TO SELF: make the dog a separate pan of his own damn rice crispy treats.

6. That you forgot to buy tampons.  The first day of your cycle. At midnight. NOTE TO SELF: buy a box of plugs every time you pick up a case of diet coke and stash them all over the house.

7. That the jeans/bathing suit/skirt you thought looked great on your fat ass in the store do not look as good in the mirror at home. NOTE TO SELF: live in sweats.

8. That the drink in your cup from McDonalds most likely contains something other than the diet coke you specifically ordered and that the order taker specifically read back to you and what it specifically says on your receipt. NOTE TO SELF: order regular coke to throw them for a loop. Will most likely result in you getting your diet coke.

9. That the person giving you the evil eye as you discipline your demon child in public will most likely have offspring that a)are in prison, b)are in their {parent’s} basement, c)working the coke machine at McDonalds. NOTE TO SELF: perfect the F.U. look to shoot back at the nosey motherfuckers who probably also complain about how out of control children are these days.

10. That my mood will improve incrementally with each sip of the vodka diet coke I am about to ingest after a shitty day at work. NOTE TO SELF: drinking does serve it’s purpose.