Conversations with a 3 Year Old…

While watching yet another Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and reading a trashy celebrity magazine, from the bathroom comes…

Mommy, I need a butt check!”

Me: Is there toilet paper?

Pipsqueak: “Yes.”

Me: Ok.

2 seconds later…

Mommy, I need a butt check!”

Me: Wipe front to back.

2 seconds later…

Mom-meeeee, butt check!”

Defeated, I grab the latex gloves and goggles and head to the bathroom.

While driving to daycare…

If you see a deer you have to stop.

Me: Ok, you look for the deer.

Rounding the next curve…

STOP! There’s a deer!

Me: Phew. Thanks copilot. I wouldn’t want to hit her!”

Is ok, accident’s happen.”

While observing my living room, trashed with mountains of barbie dolls, baby doll parts and doll house furniture..

Me: You need to clean up sweetie!

But I’m busy.” {watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse}

Me: We need to clean up before bedtime.

There’s too much. I need help.

Me: Who plays with all of these toys?

I don’t know. I think it was the alligator.

Me: Really? I didn’t know alligators liked baby dolls.

They do. They like to eat them.”

Me: Well, maybe we should put them back in their spot so the alligator doesn’t eat them.

Welllll, ok. You do it. I busy.”

Giving Pipsqueak a bath…

Unmentionable amounts of snot come shooting out of her nose.

Me: Here’s a tissue, wipe your nose!

But it’s yummy.

Me: No, we don’t eat boogers!

Giggling “But it’s yummy, Mommy!” as she sucks it in before I can get the tissue there. Damn.

Me: I’m going to tell your first boyfriend you used to eat your boogers when you were little.

But who is my boyfriend?”

Me: No, WHEN you have a boyfriend, WHEN you are thirty I am going to tell him you used to eat your boogers.

But who?”

Me: Nevermind, here’s a tissue.

But they’re yummy Mommy. You wanna try it?” as she holds out her hand with boogers. I think I threw up a little in my mouth.

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