Being a People Person is Highly Overrated…Part 1 Introductions

When it comes to meeting new people there are appropriate social structures in place to facilitate positive interaction. Eye contact, a handshake, a smile, a small verbal pronouncement of who the hell you are all convey the idea of how introductions to someone you’ve never met before are to be made. I’ve had to endure this torture for going on 40 years now and there are certain categories of introductions that I loathe worse than cleaning up dog puke at 3 in the morning. On our bed. After a long night of drinking and bad Chinese food.

The “Gripper”-you know the guy who wants to show you that he “works out” and squeezes the living shit out of your hand. Not only does he clamp down on your extremities with an iron fist, but he also doesn’t let go until your fingers turn a dark shade of puce.

The “Wet Noodle”-I’ve had several of these, 98.9% of them by women who while wishy washily shaking your hand are also sizing you up as competition. The wet noodle is usually accompanied with a high pitched giggle and a hair flip. Beware the 1.1% of men who fall into this category…they forgot to pack their balls that morning!

The “Swamp Thing”-You know, the shake that you can’t quite get a good grip on because their hand is slicker than a hooker at the end of a successful evening? I carry hand sanitizer to every event I am required to attend in preparation for this one!

The Vibrator-This one turns me on slightly in a dark kind of way. The Vibrator grabs your hand firmly and continuously pumps it up and down in short bursts while talking for the next 2 minutes. I usually need a drink after this one.

The Reach Around-One hand handshake while the other snakes around and clasps the back of your hand, or your buttocks depending on the amount of alcohol consumed. These may or may not be accompanied by the shoulder bump or half hug.

I’ve found that a firm grip for 4.5 seconds belies a sense of  confidence and openness at starting a conversation.  Actually I’ve got that down to a science.

Wipe sweaty paw on pants/skirt

Swing arm around and firmly grip opponents new person’s hand for the designated allotment of time.

Smile and make eye contact.

Give name.

Then the real fun starts!

Next post…the dangers of overindulging at social functions!


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