Delivery vs. a Zombie 5K

So, I’m training for a 5K in May. I haven’t run since high school cross country except for that one spring break in Daytona nor felt any inclination to do so since then.

Until my sister e-mailed me a link to the Run For Your Lives 5K run and obstacle course.

Fun With Zombies

It’s 3.1 miles of cross country like running with a few obstacles thrown in to keep you from getting bored. The thing that inspired me to start training(besides my 40 year old sagging, paunchy body) is the fact that you have zombies trying to suck your brains take your flags(kind of like flag football). Yes, I said zombies.

I ❤ zombies.

Finally, some motivation to get my ass to the gym. You would have thought the muffintop would have done it a few years ago, but what can I say…

I started training January 24th, which means I’ve been at it for a little over 1 month. It’s getting easier to run and I’m not talking about lung capacity. My old ass knees can only take running every other day so I’ve resigned myself to weights every other day to give them a break. Apparently, this is also supposed to increase weight loss as it improves metabolism while building muscles. Yeah, whatever. I’ve gained five pounds since I started, which is also apparently normal. I find it contradictory, but ok. I’m determined to stick with this working out stuff if only to ward off the ravenous undead in 2 months time.

So, as I’m slogging around the 1/10 mile track yesterday, I start comparing running to delivery. Yeah, the kind where you squeeze a bowling ball out of your nether regions with much pain, agony and stitches. They have a lot of the same attractive features. Here are my top 10:

10) You feel lighter when you are finished. Delivery: You just released 5 pounds of water weight, 8 pounds of wrinkled human and a couple of quarts of blood and gunk. Yeah you! Running: You sweat off most of the Diet Coke and/or Rum water you consumed that day.

9)It’s a marathon, so pace yourself. Delivery: Unless you are one of those bitches who didn’t know you were pregnant and drop the kid while you are taking a shit, be prepared for a long haul. Pace yourself and turn the pit drip down when the Dr. isn’t looking. Running: 3.1 miles is a LONG way to go. Two breaths in, one long breath out.

8) It’s gonna hurt, but you won’t remember it in the end. Delivery: Whoever said this was LYING to you. I remember every stinking, puke filled, contraction upon contraction filled minute. Yes I would do it again, but I also remember the pain. Running: You will remember it if you are as old as I am. Even booze won’t dull the throbbing ache of two busted up knees after your run.

7)Drugs are optional, but sometimes necessary. Delivery: I have the utmost respect for  women who forgo drugs or an epidural during labor. I am not one of those women. I would have french kissed the anesthesiologist for putting in the epidural except I’d been puking all morning from the IV drip. Running: I’d really like some of those labor drugs, but, alas, Ibuprofen and Icy Hot are about all I get after a run. Still, dull throbbing is better than all out stabbing pain shooting up your legs all day.

6)You get to eat after your finished! Delivery: It’s like you win a prize…on top of a prize. They feed you 10 seconds after you deliver. Running: You can, or at least I do, eat pretty much anything right after a run. I don’t know if this is scientifically proven that you are still burning calories quickly, but I’ll do anything to justify a cheeseburger and fries!

5)You have an audience. Delivery: I was determined to only have my husband in the room with me during delivery. Who wants your Mom/Mom-in-law/Dad etc. to see that? Well, after the first few cervical checks and a couple of puke sessions into the day you just don’t give two shits who sees your vagina. By the time my little bundle crowned I had my husband, my Mom, my husbands Mom, a doctor, 10 nurses and the maintenance man cheering me on! And you know what? It’s kind of cool to watch all of their faces as you push your baby out. You know they’ve seen(at least the Dr. and nurses) hundreds if not thousands of babies born, but it’s like their first rodeo. Everyone is cheering you on and grinning and crying. You are the belle of the ball… bloated, sweat stained and blood soaked, but still the belle of the ball! Running: Race day usually finds a crowd of onlookers smiling and cheering you on as you run/limp through the 3.1 grueling miles being chased by ravenous zombies…sweat stained, blood soaked and possibly bloated!

4)Crying, lots of crying. Delivery: Pain, Drugs, more pain, drugs, tearing, pushing, cursing, 7 pounds of wrinkled squawking baby. Running: Pain, Ibuprofen, more pain, cursing, more Ibuprofen chased with a beer.

3)The thrill of accomplishment. Delivery: I have a hard time finishing anything, be it a half written novel or doing the laundry, but if you are knocked up you kind of have to finish what you started. When you are done, there is a sense of accomplishment like no other except… Running: Running fast enough not to be eaten by zombies and actually finishing a 5K race.

2)You get a prize! Delivery: A tiny bundle of joy. Running: a tiny “still human/sorry you’re a zombie” medal!

1)You are embarking on a lifetime of joy. Delivery: You’ll have 18 11  years of love, adoration and affection from your new offspring. When they turn 12, they’ll forget that you endured 36 hours of labor to push their sorry asses out of your vajayjay. I’ve been told that the love, adoration and affection returns once they get out in the “real world”, but as the oldest is just now 18, I cannot vouch for that! Running: You’ll enjoy a healthy relationship with your streamlined body for the rest of your life, unless the zombies get you!


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